Separated At Birth?
February 28, 2009
Nope, He’s Robbing All Of Us…
February 25, 2009
It Happens…
February 25, 2009
I pulled my jeans out of the dryer a while ago and slipped them on, forgetting I had the usual morning wood.
You know how the brass button gets real hot? Now I have “Wrangler” branded on my helmet.
I’m going to leave it there.
A Peek Into The Lives Of Others…
February 25, 2009
Friedman Is Right…
February 24, 2009
…Obama is wrong,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWsx1X8PV_A
and Donahue is just plain clueless.
Thought bubble for 00:55 seconds: Although this is over my head, I intuitively realize that I am being made a fool of on my own show. What can I possibly say to rectify this stiuation? How does my hair look? Are Marlo and Don Hollinger in bed somewhere, laughing at me?
And The Moral Of The Story Is…
February 24, 2009
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate…because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord… and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I Don’t Care; It’s Still Funny…
February 24, 2009
David Letterman’s Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 – Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 – Pistol won’t stay under front seat.
# 8 – Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 – Pit crew can’t work on car while holding up
pants at the same time.
# 6 – They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 – Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 – No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 – No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 – When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN’T BE IN NASCAR…………..
#1 -They can’t wear their helmets sideways
This Is Pretty Much How I Feel…
February 22, 2009
“In 2009 She Will Be Mine”
February 20, 2009
http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/political_goals_for_2009
Catch the Smoove B Boudoir on my blogroll.
She’s Not Picking Her Nose, But…
February 19, 2009
Okay, click the link to the gigapan pic in “Big Brother Is Indeed Watching Us,” 2 posts below.
See Obama? Pan to the left to the big white lamp on the corner.
Now zoom in to the character seated behind it; she’s wearing all white.
I didn’t think it possible, but this woman makes Aunt Esther from “Sanford And Son”…
…look like Julie Andrews.
Because she looks like Mike Tyson’s badder sister.
Still A Shrew, Still Right…
February 18, 2009
Love this:
“Putting preposterously overrated presidents like John F. Kennedy or FDR in the same category as Reagan or Washington is like a teenage girl ranking the Jonas Brothers with the Rolling Stones and the Beatles as the three greatest bands of all time. “
Big Brother Is Indeed Watching Us…
February 18, 2009
http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c
This is moderately scary. I thought all that stuff I saw on “24″ was a little over the top. It ain’t.
Guest column to the first reader who can find someone picking their nose.
When Is It Okay To Cheat?
February 18, 2009
Augustus McCrae knows:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYzZPiqjqww&feature=related
“I’m just tryin’ to keep everything in balance, Woodrow. You do more work than you got to, so it’s my obligation to do less.”
Michael Phelps Update..
February 17, 2009
Rob Kampia, the executive director of MPP, told CNBC, “Kellogg’s had no problem signing Phelps when he had a conviction for drunk driving (DUI in 2004), an illegal act that could actually have killed someone. To drop him for choosing to relax with a substance that’s safer than beer is an outrage, and it sends a dangerous message to young people.”
Amen.
A Tale Of A Fateful Trip…
February 13, 2009
17 or so years ago, I was sitting around drunk in a condo in Key Biscayne with my ex, my older brother, and his wife and friends, and we decided to recast Gilligan’s Island for a then-current day film noir. I shortly thereafter added character bios myself.
I just ran across the results in a long forgotten manila folder (and tweaked the bios a tad, and added pics):
Robert De Niro as the Skipper
Captain of the Minnow, a luxury, deep sea sportfishing boat homeported in the Maldives Islands. Renowned for his professional expertise, he is also a mid-level but ambitious player in the Sri Lankan heroin trade, using his maritime connections as a cover. He is a ruthless adversary and Taliban sympathizer.
Kyle McLachlan as Gilligan
Thought to be the trusted mate, he has designs on the Skipper’s position in drug trafficking. He is an infamous cocksman and former Delta Force commando. Once a double agent in Afghanistan, was responsible for giving up John Walker Lindh (the “American Taliban”), to capture.
Jack Nicholson as Mr. Howell
An international industrialist and financier in the Sri Lankan opium world, he does not know of the Skipper’s involvement in the trade. He thinks he’s on the Minnow to catch marlin; he is mistaken. Mr. Howell despises the trade, but the money outbattles his conscience.
Angie Dickinson as Mrs. Howell
The sterotypical rich, lonely, unsatisfied rich wife. ”Lovey” is an alcoholic who cannot afford to leave her husband, who would expose her former life as a prostitute and thereby ruin her entree into high society.
Winona Ryder as Mary Ann
Mr. Howell’s daughter from a previous marriage, she is despised by Mrs. Howell. A beautiful and innocent girl in love and in cohabitation with Gilligan, of whose criminal activity she is unaware.
Harvey Keitel as The Chief
Has great, but tenuous, influence over various Sri Lankan tribes, whom he uses in his role as a prime supplier of raw opium for heroin manufacture. Widely rumored to have formerly practiced cannibalism.
Kim Basinger as Ginger
An insatiable bisexual working for The Chief, who uses her favors indiscriminately in negotiation with opium buyers. She is fiercely loyal to him, and is essentially his white slave. She is a heroin addict.
Lyle Lovett as The Professor
Genius chemist and right hand man of The Chief. He is on the verge of perfecting heroin synthesis, which would eliminate The Chief’s burden of dealing with petty tribal warlords, as well as making the hated Mr. Howell’s financial backing unnecessary. He is a homosexual secretly in love with Gilligan.
Now accepting treatments.
